The pain in parentingI had a painful experience today … parenting!Â
When I first went to high school and we had an out-of-uniform day I wore my lovely floral frock with big puffy sleeves and white sandals. I had worn them for Christmas and loved them so much, they made me feel pretty and special. On the way to school I noticed EVERYONE on the school bus had jeans and trainers on, not one frilly floral frock and not a single pair of white shoes. I asked my parents for jeans the moment I walked in the door and sadly there went my individuality. I spent the next 6 years of high school wearing the coolest things just to fit in, even if I didn’t like them.
This brings me to today and my painful parenting experience.
It all happened while I attended a school excursion with my 12-year-old son as one of the parent helpers.  As I observed him from afar I felt this ache, it was in my head and in my heart. I wanted to help him so much. I could feel his discomfort, he was a bit too shy and awkward and just standing back and not getting involved while 90 kids ran around playing. I wanted so much to go over and whisper in his ear how to be cool. I wanted to tell him to stop twitching and stand up straight. He was mumbling something to a friend and I almost yelled out “speak up, let your beautiful voice be heard by all”, but alas I just watched in pain as his friend didn’t hear him and started talking to another boy.
I asked one of the teachers if she had noticed how some kids are just naturally comfortable with their piers and she agreed. Some kids are just cool and others are not. Some kids can be very un-cool but still comfortable. Like the lovely young girl with huge braces that didn’t fit her tiny petite mouth but was still surrounded by girls chattering away. Or the boy with gigantic ears who got pushed and shoved and was just as happy to push and shove back. The wonderful young lady with a thousand freckles who the entire school adore because she is just as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside. For some it is just natural to fit in and feel at home and for others it’s so close and yet so far.Â
I am sure that my handsome, intelligent and brave young man will fit in sooner or later it’s just such a painful thing for a Mum to stand back and watch. I found myself checking out the other children’s haircuts, shoes and shorts to see if my son was sporting the wrong brand or style. Was there a certain kind of sandwich in the lunch bag that would indicate a tendency for more coolness than others? There was nothing, and I knew there wouldn’t be anything.Â
TTFN
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August 7th, 2007 - 9:55 pm
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August 7th, 2007 - 11:04 pm
Being young and fitting in…we never forget those feeling of school days/childhood…Your dear boy will find his place! ((HUGS))
August 8th, 2007 - 8:14 am
Very painful to read Maddy but with a Mum like you your son will make it I know. It may just take time.
I have tagged you on my blog. Hope you have the time to come and see and hope that you can play.
August 9th, 2007 - 6:40 am
It took me until I was 25 to actually fit in… I hated school, college and anything to do with my peers. But, I love being a grown up, and not having to be ‘cool’by anyones definition. Let him be himself, let him not be too weird and let him enjoy what he likes in life. He will meet like minded people at some stage in the future… and sometimes being the coolest kid on the block is not the best thing to be…
August 10th, 2007 - 5:30 pm
It is so painful isn’t it? I think the moment our children come into our lives we become so vulnerable for ever more. There are so many more painful ways to be hurt than someone hurting us - we feel so much more for our kids. I suppose we need to realise that we need to let our children go through unacceptance, discomfort, loneliness, pain etc so that they can learn to cope with lifes ups and downs as adults and gain confidence and self-worth from within. All we want to do is cuddle them up and protect them but in doing that we would be doing them an injustice. It sucks!! Now I will go and try and convince myself of what I just said as I am hopeless with trying to protect mine! =)
August 10th, 2007 - 10:10 pm
Maddy! I can’t find your email address, so I will leave you a note here…Today I received your wonderful PIF swap package–THANK YOU sooo very much for your very, very generous gifts! I love everything–the felt scottie dog is a charmers, and I love your felt/wool cases…and I can’t wait to try the sweets! What a great way to start the weekend…Thanks so much! Please drop me a line when you can! ((HUGS))
August 17th, 2007 - 3:52 pm
hmmm, a wonderful mother can stand back and watch and learn as she lets her child do the same, I am saddened yet in awe. I would love to have such close maternal feelings, but most of the time im just frustrated by it all. On one hand a son who is adept at social interaction, the teacher and children fight over his attention, and the other pushes people so far away when all as he wants is to be loved and cuddled - but can not face rejection. I hope growth and maturity will help him along, because like you he fits in with all that is rad. Maybe these are boys that just need that one or two good friends and that they have styles that arent of the group nature, as many of us are.
September 4th, 2007 - 7:17 am
Maddy that brought a tear to my eye. I have a very quiet child. She is great one to one with friends, but I’ve noticed at school she is left alone and doesn’t know quite how to get involved with others already playing games. I remember feeling like that and my heart breaks for her. However as Mums all we can do is give them our unconditional love and I think thats what gives them self confidence. With that gift they will in later years gravitate towards others with similar interests and gentle ways. They may have fewer friends, but those friends will be true. I know plenty who seem very popular, but who are also lonely. I also know many friends who were bullied at school, and who now are proud and popular people. Our children will find their way and with our support will be true to themselves and confident of who they are.